vineri, 10 ianuarie 2014

Dear Garry,

I hope this finds you well. The last couple of days I often found myself burried in thoughts and drifting away in the middle of the day. Today it was especially sunny and the memory of spring and long walks to regain my mind came back to me. I slowly walked  from work to the bus station and briefly escaped the surrounding world except for its miracle, the sun. It is the second time that I am writing in English, just to let you know that your words and songs are still with me and surprise me now and then.

It is nice to have someone to share your thoughts with and to truly communicate thousand of kilometres apart; to find no obvious resemblance in your lives and, yet, in your thoughts to belong to the same world time and time. Do not waste your life with doubt, you once wrote me. I kind of remembered that daily since all the troubles with work and my health began. I must say that there is one piece of me in your words; that I need to be sure of myself and set my mind, otherwise I still try and let life surprise me pleasantly. Doubt is awful, especially when one doubts his or her own person and heart. It is trully awful. I still have my doubts and have no room for other people's insecurity or wish for power over me. But yes, at least in theory, I wish to live and not to regret and plan endelessly and hopelessly.

People have their own paths and I cannot begin to count the times I torn myself in small pieces just trying to walk along on somebodyelse's road. Up to a point, one needs to travel his or her own life alone and enjoy the ride to an uncertain destination. Here comes another one you told me: I do not like to impose myself on people. Yes, it is better to try and let people act as they feel, otherwise you might never get to know them and your relationships to them might prove to be fakes not to say lies. There is always the difference between someone looking for you because you are on their mind and people briefly answering your questions and calls just...because. Please excuse me , as I am very tired and find it difficult at this hour to gather my ideas and feelings. We could write each other hundred of pages about this particular idea, and I honestly hope we will.

I frequently ask for advice and almost never take it. Yet, you gave sound advice unintetionally. I guess sometimes I choose doubt because it is more confortable than assuming the consequences of speaking my mind and acting as I feel. I am overwhelmed by so many social circumstances and stupid daily situations that I burry my deepest feelings and principles and dust them whenever I find time to meditate. Every day life distracts me from who I am and brings out mean and stupid stuff of me. Said but true. However, I am not writing to complain but to thank for your words.

There are moments when I feel like captive in a cage due to my life situation for which I am responsible and this only makes the cage more unbearable. Discussions about simple but important things help me escape, help me travel and transform me. There are people I lived nearby for  a lifetime and who never told me what you told me. Sometimes, words are just words. Other times, they teach, help or make you feel. Sometimes, they make friends. Sometimes they are all I have and that is why I LOVE WRITING.

I have all my insides on the outside. One can always see in my eyes how I am. I never shut up, particularly when I should. I cry and laugh out my emotions, I tell stories to people with more interesting stories, I try and walk alone and meditate, I dance and sing and talk to people, and, of course sometimes  I impose myself. My friends always know when I miss them, and people know how I feel about them even when I think I was subtle or did nothing in particular to betray my heart.

I need to express my ideas and share them and one of the greatest aspects is that some ideas do not remain single. And since I used this word, I think love is profoundly linked to absence of doubt and presence of freedom and people sometimes need to simply let other people be. I wish I could always do that, because it is tremendous to be free and loved.

It's getting late and it would be nice for you to understand something of my letter, hopefully what I meant. Have a great evening. "Talk" to you soon, as soon as soon gets here.


Trimiteți un comentariu