People

Just last evening I suddenly remembered about a group of girls I met four years ago during a training course in television and decided to look them up on Facebook. I found by mistake one of the people who took part at the class and searched his friends list as I remembered only their first names and that after some exercise. It seems that one of them got engaged and the other is currently living in Greece, I sent no message nor did I press the "add friend" button. All this struggle to remember their names got me thinking. Why couldn't I recall them?

Their family names remained a mystery but the motives for which they were forgotten started to became clear as more and more people from my past came to my mind. They too did not receive a friend request from me, although most of them I considered to be my friends years ago. So they had had their friendship requested and accepted and then it passed in time. And it almost always left marks. At least on my part.

Since I was a child I had no friends and I hardly made any in high school or university or even afterwards. When everybody was playing outside I was not there. When everybody went to the movies or to the disco I didn't. Everybody had a boyfriend, I didn't. Everybody got married, I didn't. They had children, I don't. Some people got great jobs, I made choices that made this almost impossible. But it took me years and years to see that to most of them I was out of the picture, that all that we had had in common was that for a brief or sometimes long period of time they accepted me and then it was over and I wondered sometimes why they did not like me. Most never did to start with, I suppose.

Still, memories arouse that evening. I thought of all my neighbors who did not move out but who rarely called me, maybe sometimes because they already knew I did not have the money to go out, or after a while because they went out in couples and I did not fit so they constantly forgot to ask me. Some of them cared more about our relationship on Facebook than any real connection between us. Since I am not a model friend myself I let it go.

Former colleagues from high school, university and various work places were also let go, because we had never enough in common. To preserve a connection would imply firstly to have one. There were two particular persons who I stayed in touch with but, as always with me, staying in touch meant I called occasionally. Till I did not see any more any point in doing this.

But still I felt left on the outside and disappointed. On the other hand what have I done so important or beautiful or useful to them so that people would care to know about it? Would they be happy for my happiness or sad and willing to help for my misfortune?

I wonder if people are friends jut because and then they stop in time just because as well. There are some people whom I will always remember even though we did not keep in touch and we were not necessarily friends.

Some of the people I worked with for just one month in 2012 and acted as family, whom I hope to meet face to face soon enough. My first boss in 2006 whom I have lost track of and remains best boss ever (so far), my boss and colleagues in Babadag back in 2005, whom most surely I will never forget and dream of meeting again once in a while. Some of the people I met in 2012 at a training course in communication, but here I must admit that I have no hope to see them again because no one expressed their wish to do this and just went on with their lives. My German teacher in 2003 and so on. And most recently the kineto therapists I meet after my shoulder surgery.

All these considered I still sometimes receive surprising wedding invitations for example. Except my two best friends since I was 16 why would I invite to such an event people from my (far) past, who have not made it into my present?

Maybe this is life, one needs to move on and forget. Maybe it is pointless to call people friends and look for them just because you wish you were friends. Maybe it is ok to call them if they did not give any sign and see how they are but if you are constantly doing this like me keep in mind that busy people will always be unreachable, this to be subtle.

So, the story goes on. For every friend I ever had, I am happy. Memories do not bring food on the table or make up for lonely times but at least I tried and I cared. maybe there is someone out there who remembers me as a friend and it brings on a smile to her or his face.

No time for sorrow here comes tomorrow, I wrote in a poem years and years ago. I don't know what the...I meant but it seems appropriate to end it this way.